I was going to just jump right into this one, but I received yet more correspondence, this time from people who somehow suspected that the brief mention yesterday of "Uncle Rodney who every Christmas shows up pickled and manages to find a new hard-to-find place to barf" was somehow directed at them. I want to reassure everyone that, yes, it was aimed specifically at you, and yes, I have been reading your mail. Get over it. Dick Cheney reads your mail, too, which is why he always has that snarl on his face, and why he keeps having those surgeries which are announced as heart bypasses, but are in fact total replacements of the kryptonite, which seems to have a shorter half-life than the original scientists promised him. He replaced them too, of course, and where they are there is no mail, so count your blessings, Buster.
Someone else wrote and asked if I would be willing to autograph the four copies she bought. (You, of course, can buy any number of copies The Servant of the Manthycore by simply clicking the link below!) I was of course flattered. I am not like major league ballplayers, who have to be bribed to sign a baseball. I will sign a baseball for free. Books, of course, are different, especially when they are my books. Because she was kind enough to buy so many at once, I reduced my inscribing fee by 7%, and would likely do the same for anyone else, except she also got a special purchase price discount of 5%. She wanted more, but finally in the interests of peace I finally had to tell her, "I just can't be bothered to mess with the pricing anymore. If you want a bigger discount, you'll just have to order in bigger lots, Mom."
Which in a roundabout way brings us to today's Countdown to Christmas: Reason Number Seven to Buy The Servant of the Manthycore-- P.O.E., which stands for Peace On Earth, or in some cases Purity Of Essence.
Let's go with the first one first. What does the phrase Peace on Earth mean to you? To me it is evocative of snow falling gently outside, the crackle of a log burning brightly in the fireplace, carolers and Santas ringing their bells, and the triptophan-induced food coma caused by the traditional holiday combination of turkey, mashed potatoes and Jim Beam. What better way to finish off a perfect Christmas day than to sit down by that fire, open your new copy of The Servant of the Manthycore, and read aloud the faux-ancient stories of bondage, blood, betrayal and death. It will sure beat listening to Aunt Selma's rehashing of family history, with all that bondage, blood, betrayal and death. Think of the children! And if you do it right, and I get off my carcass, and the first book sells well enough (and you can do your part, by clicking on the link below!) maybe you will have started a new family tradition, and next year you can read the sequel aloud, too.
Purity of Essence is a little more difficult, so hang with me here. Some of you are thinking that I have ripped off Dr. Strangelove here, as POE was the fail safe code in that wonderful movie. As you recall, General Ripper was so concerned with the possibility that the enemy was planning to sap and impurify the precious bodily fluids of the American people with fluoridated water that he started a nuclear holocaust. Now, I am certainly not claiming that failing to purchase as many copies of The Servant of the Manthycore as you are able will set off some sort of holocaust, nuclear or otherwise, but I would like to mention that the terrorists are trying to destroy our way of life, including our free-enterprise system, and would like nothing more than to have you fail to purchase The Servant of the Manthycore out of fear. Nor am I claiming that clicking on the link below will in any way help you maintain your Purity of Essence. But you can never be too careful, and at the list price $13.99 (available for as little as $6.99 plus shipping) it seems a pretty reasonable investment against those who would threaten our precious bodily fluids with impurity. And I am proud to guarantee that The Servant of the Manthcore contains not one drop of added fluoride.
*Tomorrow-- Countdown to Christmas: Reason Number Six to Buy my Book: Financial Freedom!
Buy The Servant of the Manthycore!